Hookin' Up and Hangin' Out

So I've been away again...I am such a baaaaaad blogger. LOL My birthday was last week...a trying time. I mostly want to hide on my birthday. This year was no different. I did get some gift cards from my Dad and Grandpa..so I've been having a fun time shopping for some new clothes.

My SIL had her baby yesterday. Tiny little girl...just 5lbs 13oz if I remember what the MIL said. Josh is in a pissy mood...he's trying to act like he's not, but I can feel it. He wants a daughter so bad...as do I. Don't get me wrong I love my boys to pieces. I wouldn't trade either of them. It's just...I don't know...It's been hard on both of us. I want another baby desperately, but we just can't hack it right now. I feel like if we're going to do it, it's important for it to happen before I start clinicals. I don't know...maybe that sounds weird. I feel like I'm betraying the boys by wanting a little girl so badly. Especially Tristan. And I love him so much. I know if we'd had a girl, we would have missed out on having him...I don't know...I'm so confused. I'm glad that we had TJ...he's such a joy. It's just that I feel like there's a part of us, our family, missing...like it's out there somewhere...yet to be discovered.

One good thing has happened recently. I got the opportunity to reconnect with my best friend from highschool. We sort of fell aprat after we graduated. I got married and started having babies and she worked a lot. She says I had a husband and children and she couldn't compete. I don't think so. I think I was just in a bad place and that made me a bad friend. I felt alone...despite the fact that I had the husband and the baby and her cool, level head there with me...I was alone in the world. I had PPD badly and I couldn't let anyone in. I've regreted loosing her...and I'm glad that I've gotten the opportunity to make it right. I hope she knows that.

Don't you know sarcasm when you hear it?!

OK so I will admit. This hasn't really been the best few months for me. Hell lets just go back and say the whole year has been pretty crappy. But I can say that I've tried to refrain from comming on here and whinning about it. I guess I am going to change that now. I've been feeling out of sorts lately and decided I need to start my journaling again to compensate for the lack of meds in my system (insert sarcastic sneer, lol.) Never really liked scrawling it all out on paper but here at the keys the words flow so much faster. I guess my blog has now become, among other things, my written account of what's going on in our little world. Since I'm pretty sure that noone reads the damned thing I don't think I'll offend anyone (my apologies in advance to any eye's that may in fact be reading at this very moment.) As justification for documenting my boring existence I can say this...At least I'll have my scrapbook journaling all finished. :D

So...Today was pretty ordinary. Avery's final day of preschool is tomorrow and as we approach it I realize what a trasformation he's made in the short school year. The little boy I sent to school was shy and clung to my pants leg, always falling behind when other's wanted to play. The little boy that's come home is a confident, outspoken leader. Each day we faced a new milestone...walking him into the room to unzip and hang up his coat and backpack, to now just leaving him with a wave at the door. It seems that overnight my sweet little baby has turned into a walking talking boy.

Ahh man...off I went with the sappy stuff. That's what I get for titling my posts before I write them, lol. What I had really wanted to write about was what Mr. Bean said to me today. I took the boys out to play while I cleared the front walk and drive of the grass clippings the mower had blown everywhere. When I took them out I told them that we wouldn't be out for too long as it was the heat of the day and the fresh cut grass would bother their allergies and asthma. After finishing with the walk, I camped on the front stoop for a minute to let him have a little extra time outside. Around a quarter of one I told them they had to come in and get lunch and then a nap as we were going out with Grandpa Fuzzie and Grandma Z this evening. Immediately, Avery baulked. "I don't want to go in I want to play some more." I told him right away that if he didn't move his heiney into the house and get ready for lunch "right now" that I was going to call Grandpa and Grandma and tell them we weren't comming. In he ran, TJ on his heels. When I finally made it inside Avery looks at me, poised in front of the TV.

Avery: "Mommy can I watch Noggin?"

And before the last sylable of the question exits his lips I hear the TV buzz to life. I confess, I lost it. Right then. The smart ass in me was unleashed.

Me: "Gee Avery, thanks for waiting for me to answer you before you turned on the TV."

Avery: "You're Welcome."

GRRRRRRRRR...Geez kid! Don't you know sarcasm when you hear it? LOL Joking aside I know that sounded harsh. But there's my vent.

Turning a Blind Eye

I've come to the conclusion that I really don't want to talk about what happened or why I was away. Sufice it to say that I was having some trouble with my eyes/vision and I couldn't see the computer properly. I was scared because the livelyhood I'm training for requires my vision, my hobbies require my vision, and hell...I didn't want to think about not being able to see my beautiful boys faces again. Things are better and I am back.

Tho I am back physically, I seem to be drained emotionally and creatively. I can't come up with a LO to save my soul...my P&S camera is gathering dust...my 35mm hasn't been out of its camera bag since I got out of school.

I just feel...B-L-A-A-A-H.